“Not all those who wander are lost.”

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."

-Oscar Wilde

This quote -among many others, of which I'll probably sprinkle about in here- has always been close to my heart, and for good reason. From the time I was a child, being 'different' was apparent to me; I was never an outcast by any means, but I guess to put it simply, I merely saw myself in a different light than I saw others. Whereas most childhoods are fairly content, or complacent at the very least, mine was restless - and not because of the typical reasons. My mother was wonderful, and though my parents were split, they kept a close relationship. I had plenty of friends, and was accepted socially and intellectually in just about any circumstance. I excelled at everything.

Yet, I wasn't comfortable.

Truth be told, I'm not comfortable even to this day. There's a part of me that was, and is, looking for something... something that I've always felt was missing. This searching is ultimately what has lead me to where I am now, on this crazy, bumpy, amazing journey I'm embarking upon, alongside my lovely silly goose, Amy.

I guess I'll start from the very, very beginning, with a story my mom loves to tell other people; she finds it incredibly fascinating (she is a child psychology major, after all). When I was a few months shy of my second birthday, my mother, grandmother (who I believe is psychic) and baby me were watching The Lion King together. At the scene in which Mufasa, Simba's father lion dies, I apparently burst into fits of uncontrollable tears. My mother said she tried to comfort me, but it was to no avail - I was acting as if my own father had died! She thought this amazing, and always used to tell her friends and family as I was growing up, how staggering my level of 'empathy' was, for a child that age. Of course, the word empathy takes on a whole new meaning for me now. In hind sight, I guess it was the Emotional Empath in me, strong even as a tot.

I can remember at the age of eight laying in bed wondering what the 'purpose' was for everything. If I had never been born, would the world still exist? Why was I here? And for that matter, why were any of us here? My mother coached me through these thoughts gently, allowing my intellect and spirituality to grow and develop on it's own, without parental bias hindering me. I had the freedom to be. Discovery and individuality have never been strangers to me - I've learned how to organize my life the way I please, pick and choose values that I think have the most merit, etc. With this process, needless to say, comes a lot of soul searching.

A part of me was curious about outside religions, Christianity, the different branches of Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, etc. I tried them on for awhile, but as usual, nothing seemed to fit. Nothing ever fit for me. I was always lost. Which was baffling really, considering the fact that I had such a strong sense of self. My outside world didn't match my inside world - this girl so sure of herself, so strong, couldn't seem to find it within her to be happy with what she was given. I felt too big for Texas, despite the fact that it is the second largest state in the United States, and larger than an ample amount of countries. I felt (feel) stuck.

This feeling never went away, and I found as I got older that two of my greatest outlets were reading and writing. Funnily enough, each lead me to different directions, which in the end would come back full circle with one another. About two years ago now, I picked up a book series called Sweep -which is awesome, I suggest everyone read it- and fell in love with the world instantly. I've had this happen to me a lot, I must admit, the wishing I lived inside of a book rather than our mundane reality. But this, this was a little different. For the first time, I felt, erm... spiritual? I'll just come out and say it, the book is loosely based off of Wicca, only cooler, with actual magical powers, incredibly attractive witch men, etc.

"You know you've read a good book when once you've reached the end, you feel like you're losing a good friend."

When the series ended I was a bit heartbroken... and to be honest, though it may sound silly, I STILL lament over the fact that I will never live somewhere like that, nor will any of the characters or events come to life, no matter how much I complain. I didn't realize it at the time, but I am highly guided by my intuition and the feelings I get about certain things. The fact that I was so attached to this book series is what would lead me to Tarot. In the story, the protagonist would sometimes consult her tarot cards for guidance. Upon walking through a Barnes and Noble book store one afternoon, I saw out of the corner of my eye, the section for 'Metaphysical' books, and noticed that they actually sold tarot decks. Because I was determined to will fiction into reality, I purchased my own deck, and began to read and study on it as much as possible.

Amazingly enough, I got that same 'spiritual' feeling as when I was reading the story. For the times that I spent doing readings and studying tarot, I didn't feel so restless anymore.

This discovery would prove to not only give me some sense of peace, it would also bring me and Amy closer together, and be the starting point for a very hectic, strange next year or so. Since then, with Amy's help, I have taken note of 'weird' things that happen to me on a daily basis. For instance, I'll get an awfully bad feeling, and start drawing -though I'm no artist- and come up with a picture of a storm as well as a drawing of my coastline, despite the fact I had no previous knowledge of what my coast looked like on a map, only for a storm to hit in the next week or so. I am given this 'knowledge', including images, songs, impressions, etc, through my feelings. It's just this 'knowing' that I honestly can't describe to you. It's the way I know that England is where I belong, the way I know that I'm different than everyone else. It is tangible, and very strong. 

It wasn't until Jeannine Bakriges came along that I had a name to put to this sensation: Clairsentience.

Because of my age, originally Jeannine didn't feel guided to tell me anything about my 'psychic' abilities - however, soon after my Empath Reading -that described me to a TEE- I received another email from her, outlining my 'gifts.' Which include strong Clairsentience (my freaky intuition), strong Emotional Empath (can't stand watching the news because it literally depresses me), my potential for Clairvoyance and Clairaudience (which have made scarce appearances thus far), as well as the fact that I am a Healer and a Medium. 

Whoa. I know right. That is a LOT of information to digest, most of which I really haven't even gotten to digesting myself. What I do know is that everything is suddenly starting to make more sense. The fact that I have learned to close my emotions off to people, a common issue Empaths have, as they feel the pain of others so strongly it is physically weakening, or how sometimes I just know things, or predict what song will play on the radio, or get weird vibes, or the freaky accurate nature of my tarot readings. It's all starting to fall into place.

Since all of this, I have also discovered and met two of my Spirit Guides, one of which is Jynx, who's story is under the picture of the pretty kitty, and the other of whom goes by the name of Martin. Both Jynx and Martin are my protection Spirit Guides, and I've learned through meditation, how to sense when each is around. Martin likes to grab at my knee -which verges on slightly annoying-, while Jynx materializes with the tingling of my hands. Beyond my Guides, I have also been conducting tarot readings for others on Aeclectic, where I have received a lot of great feedback for my accuracy and detail. Gradually I am building confidence in this new world, and in these new parts of myself I have just barely discovered.

Experiencing all of this has made it easier for me to have perspective - and with the addition of Amy to my life, she's made it easier to not feel so 'different' or alone. I'm still on my path, and I'm still looking for whatever it is that likes to evade me... though that being said, maybe there's some truth in the old saying: "Your journey is often more important than your destination."

Thanks for reading this miniature novel.
I'll end this one with a picture, just because I can. (:

 B l e s s i n g s,
Ashton